Today I read the blogs of some friends of mine who are
serving in Africa, where the hospital is over-full, patients two to a bed and lying on mats in the corridors, many
dying from malaria, typhoid and the like. I have to admit that reading about
their experiences made me question what I’m doing here. The small hospital I am
working in is not even full. There are few inpatients and even the outpatient
department is slow compared to what I am used to back home. So far the problems
I’ve seen are not severe - nothing like cerebral malaria or advanced TB. Besides that, I feel completely superfluous.
I am certainly not needed. In fact, in many ways I think I am a burden –
needing someone to translate for me and asking many questions slows things
down. I make little if any contribution. In addition, I am plagued by doubts
about my abilities: my medical skills
and knowledge are inadequate; I am not sure I know how to be a good teacher; I
know nothing about running a residency program; and even my community health
experience is ancient. To top all of that off, I don’t have a clue how to
relate to or share with people in this culture and context. So what in the world
am I doing here? Will I ever be "useful" in this context (or anywhere else for that matter)?
Okay, I know that is pretty much pride speaking. I want to
feel needed, be useful, do something “important.” I want to come home with amazing stories
about what I’ve seen and done here. Instead, I have to be content to wait on
my Father and trust that he has me exactly where he wants me right now. I’m clinging
to the promise that he has a plan and purpose for me, that he has indeed
prepared good works for me to walk in, and that he is able to equip me to fulfill that purpose and perform those works in his own way and
time. If others are called to a different work and are being used in a
different way, I should rejoice in that and not question my current
circumstances. Even if I am not clear what he is doing with me right now, I
need to focus on following him to the best of my ability here and now instead
of thinking I should be somewhere else or that some other place and work are
better. Certainly my experience here will be different from others’ because the
context is completely different. I need to be faithful to make the most of the
opportunity he has given me right where I am. End of sermon to self. Thanks for listening. Perhaps it will
lead you pray for me more specifically.
One thing I have appreciated is the opportunity to interact
with many like-minded individuals who are serving here. Many have been here for
years, others for only a few months. All have struggled with discouragement at
one time or another; it is a hard place to serve. There are constant challenges
with political unrest and safety, establishing meaningful relationships in a
distinct cultural and religious context (especially knowing that close contact
with westeners could endanger these people some day). Uncertainty about the
future of the country makes it easy to become discouraged as well. Recently, I
heard that the funder of the hospital where I work was having trouble getting
donors because people in the U.S. feel that the instability and uncertainty
make it pointless to invest in the work here. My interactions with fellow servants here have
impressed on me the necessity of community and "soul care" among workers here, the importance of strong
support back home, and the value of communicating the needs and stories so others will
continue to invest in the work here.
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